non ti amo. amo solo la pizza

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BUFFED UP!

HOT FIRE!

HOT PIZZA!

HOT SAUCE!

This one's got it all.

Check it out:

WOW!!

Buffalo-style cauliflower pizza?

Now that's some expert vegan pizza sorcery, for sure.

You wanna know all about what's going on here?

Ok.

So, the crust is a custom blend of multiple wheat flours. Yeah. And does the blend matter that much? It really does. I mean, you can see how great it looks, but on the first bite, you can also taste the difference. Here's the recipe:

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CUSTOM CRUST!!

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In an upright stand mixer, with a dough hook attached, OR by hand if you wanna get a wrist workout, combine:

1 1/4 cups King Arthur '00' flour;

1/3 cup King Arthur white whole wheat flour;

1/4 cup semolina flour;

1 heaping tsp diastatic malt powder;

2 tsp sea salt;

1 pkg rapid rise yeast;

2 T olive oil;

1 cup warm water;

1 tsp bread machine yeast.

Knead all that for 11-15 minutes, until it forms a firm shiny ball.

Cover it and let it rise once to double it's original size. Punch it down, and let it rise again.

I like to oil a steel baking tray, and stretch my dough out along the limits of the pan.

I'll still bake it on a stone, and finish it directly on that hot rock... But first, there's all that other stuff that has to happen.

For example-

The oven should be at 480 Fahrenheit degrees.

The stone should be heated at least an extra twenty minutes.

The oven should be circulating air convection-style, which means you'll have to rotate the pizza at least once.

With all of that ready, and a pizza peel and some attention ready for spending, you should be all set.

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So, what about the actual pizza?

Wellllllllll- it's Buffalo sauce, but more luxurious and luscious and hot.

No pre-bottled bummer blops for me. No way.

And then there's minced Daiya cheddar and mozzarella.

And sliced fresh jalapeno.

And red onion wedges.

And that double-battered, breaded baked buffalo cayenne cauliflower, too.

Guys,

I used SO many different ingredients to make this fancy and complicated and especially involved and you know what It was 100% worth it.

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Let's start with the cauliflower.

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BUFF' FLOWER!

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Get that oven piping hot, like for the pizza. 450 F minimum.

Line a baking tray with foil, and have it ready for the big action.

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Chop 3/4 head cauliflower into small bite-sized bits and set aside.

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In a medium mixing bowl, combine:

1/3 cup chick pea flour;

1/4 tsp salt;

1/2 tsp black pepper;

1/2 tsp Garlic Powder and Onion Powder (aka GPOP);

1 tsp cayenne pepper;

1 tsp hot paprika;

1 T non-GMO organic cornstarch;

1 T nutritional yeast;

3/4 cup non-dairy milk;

2 T Texas Pete hot sauce.

Stir it up and let it sit and thicken a bit, then toss in your florets and thoroughly coat 'em-

Then, pull 'em out, roll 'em around in some more cornstarch, then flip 'em back in the sauce

and immediately into a bowl with 1/2 cup Trader Joe's Rice Crumbs, or other unflavored breadcrumb equivalent.

Spread them on the foil-lined pan, and bake the until soft, flipping once or twice.

They should be soft but also still firm, and the breading might even be a little extra-brown on the edges.

As soon as they're out of the oven, you're gonna wanna baste 'em with half of your super-elite custom big-baby-BUFF HO'sauce. And in order to do that, you need to know what's IN it.

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BUFFALO BIG BOI SAUCE!

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In a 2 cup container, stir together:

1/2 cup Frank's classic Red Hot (that's the standard base, obvi);

3 T sriracha;

1/2 tsp GPOP;

1 T nutritional yeast;

cracked black pepper;

3 T melted vegan butter;

3 T vegan mayo;

1/4 tsp cayenne;

1/4 tsp hot paprika;

1 tsp tamari;

juice of 1/2 lemon.

^^^^THIS IS IT!

That good-good big activated hot boi flavorbomb for your face.

I promise you will be excited about it, unless you are totally an anti-spice diaperbaby. And that's okay, too.

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So, you gotta spread half of that on the cauliflower while it's sizzlin' hot.

And the other half on the stretched pizza dough, then the chee', then the cauliflower and the onions and the jalapenos, and then you throw it in the oven for as long as it takes to look like pure hottness.

I always finish mine on the stone, and then pull it out for alllllll the exxxtras.

In this case, that meant thin-sliced celery shreds, and cilantro leaves, and scallion sprankles, too.

All of that was great. I mean, c'mon, man. You know it's gonna be good when it has that much going on.


But then, as you can plainly see, it also has the one thing that is NOT for pizza normally. In fact, it might not even be for anything BUT this one exception.

Yup.

HOMEMADE DOUBLE-POWER VEGAN RANCH!!!!

kaBOOM.

I'm not normally a rancher, but this is the one thing that allows for it.

I think las time I made it, I called it GRANGE sauce instead.

Why?

Because it isn't exactly ranch, but rather, a radical vegan improvement.

You wanna know how y'boi makes it?

I hope so, because I make it especially good.

Here's my path, I hope you think it's as expert as I do.

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VEGAN 2X RANCH DRESSING, aka GRANGER DANGER!

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I always use my ninja blender, but any blender/food processor will do just fine.

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In whatever container you're using, combine:

2 large cloves raw garlic;

1 block of pressed silken tofu, with as much moisture removed as is feasible for that soft consistency;

1 tsp ea GPOP;

2 tsp dried dill leaf;

1 tsp cayenne;

2 tsp fire-roasted tomato flakes (trust me);

1/2 lemon zest;

1 T nutritional yeast

1 lemon's juice;

1 1/2 tsp cider vinegar;

1 1/2 T olive oil;

1 tsp TOASTED DILL SEEDS!! (this is what's up)

Blend that all up until smooth and creamy, then add in salt, cracked coarse black pepper, fresh finely-minced parsley, and more lemon juice if necessary, to taste.

That's it.

111% the best damned ranch-style grange-blastin' mastery you might ever taste, and a whole lot of it, too.

I dunno what else to put it on, but I have half a batch left over still.

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I love pizza.

I love it the most.

And when it's as hot and fiery and creamy and smooth and hearty and crisp as this one?

I'm in pizza heaven. Yes, it is a non-traditional approach, and yes, at it's heart it's gimmicky,

but when the dust settles, the smoke clears, and the first bite starts to spread that heat across your head?

You'll know what I know-

This is F*ing GREAT!

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